Why Routines Work for Kids: What Changed When My Son Knew What to Expect
Bedtime used to start with a fight at our house. I'd tell my son it was time to turn off the TV, and he'd get upset. It felt like we were asking him to turn off the TV forever.
He's 5 now, and he turns the TV off himself. He even likes to help.
That didn't happen overnight, and it didn't take a chart. It was just consistency, done out loud.
He knows what's expected of him
Nothing magic changed. He learned what happens at bedtime, in what order, and what his part is. Once he understood that, the pushback went down over time.
The CDC's guidance on routines puts it simply: with routines, kids "feel safe and secure because they know what to expect." That's what I've seen in our house.
It shows up after school too. The first thing he and I do is his homework, together. That's just what comes first, because that's our routine.
First what you need to do, then what you want to do
The biggest thing I've learned: what my kids want to do comes after what they need to do. Take care of your responsibilities first, then the fun stuff. Some people call this "Grandma's rule."
It helps with waiting, too. "Not yet" is easier to hear when a child knows what has to happen first. (I wrote more about that in Teaching Kids to Handle "Not Right Now" Without a Meltdown.) But it goes deeper than waiting. It's about kids understanding what's expected of them.
Every kid is different
Cooperation is something you teach, and how you teach it depends on your child's temperament. My 3-year-old is still learning all of this, and that's normal for his age. Harvard's Center on the Developing Child (PDF) notes that "younger children need a lot of support in learning rules and structures."
Where my book came from
My book, Do I Have to Wait on My Birthday?!, started with my older son, back when he was 3 and didn't understand waiting. In the book, it's Timmy's birthday, and waiting for the good parts of his big day is really, really hard.
Putting it on paper
We've done all of this out loud so far. We haven't used a chart yet. My wife is really big on routines, and I think she might like to use one, so I made a free kit with the pages we'd want:
Morning and bedtime checklists
A First–Then board
12 picture cards, including 2 you draw yourself
My Big Day Plan: First, Next, After That, Almost There, Last
There's no TV card, so if screens are your sticking point like they were ours, use one of the draw-your-own cards for "TV off."
Get Timmy's Daily Routine Kit. It's free with your email, and you can download it right away.
