How Our Words Help Shape a Child’s Identity

One of the most amazing things I’ve learned since becoming a parent is that we aren’t only teaching our children what to do.

We’re also teaching them what to believe about themselves.

That realization came to me in a surprisingly ordinary way: while watching children’s television with my little ones.

I don’t remember whether the shows I watched growing up did much to build my identity or strengthen my confidence. Maybe they did, and I simply don’t remember it. But while watching Ms. Rachel with my children, I noticed her encouraging them to repeat a simple phrase:

I can do hard things.

It caught my attention immediately.

Not because the words were complicated.

Because they weren’t.

But I began thinking about how powerful it could be for a child to learn those words early and repeat them often.

The Words Children Learn About Themselves

Children are constantly learning who they are.

They learn through what they experience, how other people respond to them and the words they hear repeatedly, especially from the people they trust.

When we tell them, “You kept trying even when it was difficult,” we are describing something they did. But over time, those words can also shape what they believe about who they are.

I am someone who keeps trying.

I am someone who can learn.

I am someone who can do hard things.

That doesn’t mean they will never feel afraid, frustrated or discouraged. Confidence doesn’t erase those feelings.

It gives children something to say back to them.

Hard Doesn’t Have to Mean Impossible

That phrase stayed with me because I know what it feels like to hesitate when something seems hard.

Sometimes the difficulty of a task can feel like evidence that we aren’t capable of doing it. If we might fail, perhaps we shouldn’t begin.

But difficulty doesn’t always mean we’re on the wrong path. Sometimes it simply means we’re learning something we haven’t learned yet.

I want my children to understand much earlier than I did that they can feel nervous and still try. They can make a mistake without deciding that they are incapable.

Hard is a description of the challenge.

It doesn’t have to become a description of them.

Affirmations Aren’t Magic Words

I don’t believe that repeating a sentence makes every fear disappear or guarantees that everything will work out exactly as we hope.

The words matter because of what they help us practice.

When a child says, “I can do hard things,” and then works through a difficult puzzle, tries the slide that frightened them or keeps practicing something they haven’t mastered, the phrase becomes connected to experience.

They aren’t only saying that they can do hard things.

They are gathering evidence that they already have.

That is why our response matters too. Instead of only saying, “You’re so smart,” we can notice the choices they made.

You didn’t give up. You asked for help. You tried a different way.

Those words help children see that confidence isn’t something reserved for people who never struggle. It can grow through the way we respond to struggle.

Sometimes Parents Need the Same Reminder

The unexpected part of all this is that I haven’t only been teaching the phrase to my children.

I’ve been repeating it to myself.

Parenting is hard. Building something you believe in is hard. Trying something new when you don’t know how it will turn out is hard.

As adults, we can become very good at telling ourselves why something might not work. We can repeat old doubts for so long that they begin to sound less like fears and more like facts.

Our children hear those beliefs too. They hear when we say, “I’m terrible at this.” But they can also hear us say, “This is difficult, but I’m going to keep working at it.”

They can watch us make mistakes, ask for help, adjust and continue. I won’t always model that perfectly. No parent will. But if I want my children to believe they can grow, I want them to see me growing too.

So when I tell my children, “You can do hard things,” I’m not speaking only to them.

I’m reminding myself too.

A Sentence They Can Carry With Them

There will be hard things in my children’s lives that I won’t be able to do for them. I can guide them, encourage them and stand beside them. But eventually, they will have to take their own steps.

My hope is that when those moments come, they won’t believe everything will be easy or that they will never fail.

They will believe that difficulty does not decide who they are and that they can learn, adapt, ask for help and try again.

They will believe that they can do hard things.

And maybe one of the gifts of teaching our children who they can become is that, somewhere along the way, we begin remembering who we can become too.